New Year’s Resolutions in May

I’ve decided that from now on I’m making my resolutions in May, May 26^th to be exact. It’s my birthday and I’ve decided that it carries more significance to me. I mean what is January 1^st to me? Just some day a pope decreed to be the first of the year. Well I refuse to let my goals be influenced by papal decree anymore! Off with the chains of papal oppression that yoke me! From hence forth, my goal making will fall on the most important day of MY life—the day I came into the world.

Plus, making goals in January has been clinically proven to be ineffective. The evidence is overwhelming, and I have the results to prove it—just look at the success rate of all my past goals. I feel I’ve thoroughly tested that method and now it’s time to put something else to the test.

I won’t share all of my May new year’s goals here, but I will list one: write more in my blog. Now, motivational speakers, spiritual councilors, and business professors all agree, goals must be specific. I guess I can see where they’re coming from. Based on my recent track record, for me to write “more” in my blog would only require me to post something every six months. Therefore, my goal is to write in my blog at least three times a month.

Yeah, it’s a pretty pansy goal since three times a month is almost nothing, but you should see some of my other goals. I’m gonna be too busy with those to have time to write in my blog all the time.

Happy new year’s to you and good luck with your goals. Also, please comment with any methods you’ve proven successful in your own personal goal setting.

Anti-Idiocy Campaign

From the title of this post, you might think it’s a rant about people who have offended me or who I think are stupid. Unfortunately, the post is really about me. This post is my vow to change...

Yesterday, I came to the stark realization that I'm an idiot. Well, maybe not all the time, but I do some stuff that's really pretty stupid. This is upsetting because I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent person. I even feel like I have a pretty decent amount of "common sense." For some reason I just choose to ignore it on occasion.

I'm not sure why this happens. Maybe it's a cry for attention or maybe it's because I like to make people laugh, or maybe it's because I read too much Guiness Book of World Records as a kid. Whatever the case, I end up being like that "one guy" everyone seems to know who will get really drunk and then accept all kinds of ridiculous challenges and make an ass of himself. Only I don't drink, so I have even less of an excuse than that guy.

Some examples of idiotic things I've done recently?

• I ate fifteen cups of cold cereal with eight and a half cups (that's over half a gallon) of milk in under an hour. Why? It was a contest. What was the prize? Pride. Braggin’ rights. Being REALLY sick (read "having diarrhea") for the next three days.
• I sprained my right ankle playing basketball (not idiotic), but then I sprained my left ankle two weeks later because I was playing way before my right ankle was better so I was favoring my left ankle a lot. Not only did I sprain my ankle, I completely bricked the lay-up I was driving to make. (very idiotic).
• I ingested two double bacon cheeseburgers (each with a full pound of beef), a large plate of fries, a quarter pound of licorice, a blackberry shake, a slice of apple pie w/ ice cream, a bottle of Henry Weinhard's root beer, and about three glasses of water in around an hour. Why? Some guys I was with challenged me to. What did I get? A handshake from the incredulous owner of Ray's Tavern.
• I gave myself three blisters trying to prove that I was good at rappelling despite the fact that I'd never done it before.
  

Trust me; the list could go on and on. These are just things I've done in the last month. If you know me, you can probably think of plenty of other examples. In fact, you're probably wondering why it took me so long to come to this realization. I have no answer for you.

I will still try and make people laugh, and I'll probably still be an attention whore, but from now on, I'm going to first ask myself the question: Is this a stupid thing to do?

Theories

There are some great outdoor basketball courts near our office building, so in the spring and fall, when temperatures permit, we play basketball during our lunch break at work.

One of the software engineers who plays nearly everyday frustrates me to no end—or at least he does when he’s not on my team; otherwise he’s a great guy. You see he’s shorter than I am, balder than I am, has a bigger “stummy” than I do, and yet somehow he manages to be quicker than I am, and jump higher than I do. Consequently he steals the ball from me on a regular basis, blocks my shots when I try to shoot over him, and gets rebound that he shouldn't.

And did I mention he’s a software engineer? Where does he get off breaking out of his stereotype and being good at basketball!? I mean it was okay when he beat me at Halo despite the fact that it was my game/xbox/projector we were playing with. He’s a software engineer! They’re supposed to be good at video games and computer stuff…but basketball? Isn’t that a little unfair? You can’t be good at everything.

I could never understand how he managed this until recently he revealed his secret to me. It’s a technique he’s been perfecting for some time now. It’s based on what he refers to as his “Theory of Fluid Dynamics.” Now I’m not sure I completely understand all the technicalities and subtle nuances of this theory, but the basic gist is that you use the “fluid nature” of your own body to your advantage.

For example, when you’re about to jump, you give a quick downward squat to send your “stummy” (this is Ben’s technical term) downward. Then, as your “stummy” reaches it’s lowest point and begins to rebound upward, you straighten your legs and jump with all you’ve got. The upward momentum of all your “stummy” mass carries you higher than you would normally be able to jump. See diagram below for clarification:

Evidently, this smashes a theory of my own. I called my theory the “Ice Princess Movie is Complete Bollux Theory”. My wife made me watch this movie (and then go ice skating which was more fun). The premise of the movie is that a science-geek girl becomes a champion ice skater by studying the physics of ice skater movements. I thought this was ridiculous, but evidently a strong understanding of scientific principles coupled with a little practice can lead to phenomenal results. I stand corrected (and sometimes blocked :( ).

Maybe in another post I’ll explain Ben’s other, less-scientific, basketball theory. I’m not sure if he’s named it yet, but I call it the “Theory of Fouling Really Hard When Your Opponent is About to Score Over You and There’s Nothing Else You Can Do About It.” It’s a pretty long name, so Ben probably calls it something better.