Adventures of Captain Kid

Blog Moved

2008-10-29T21:23:00.002-07:00

I probably don't even need to post this here since I doubt anyone still checks this blog, but just in case, I've moved my blog to http://winegarfamily.com/clark

I did it a while back, but forgot to post the update here. Don't worry, I haven't posted much more over there than I did here, so you probably haven't missed much.

However, since Linda does post pretty diligently there's always news about our family and new pictures that can be found on the same site by visiting http://winegarfamily.com/linda

It was a good run blogspot. Thanks for the free blog hosting.

Shoveling Suburbia

2008-01-25T19:50:00.000-07:00

I'm a little late on posting this up, but wanted to make sure it was here anyway. A couple of weeks ago, I participated in the 24-hour Marathon of the LDS Film Festival. Basically, you show up and the festival staff give you a theme, a line of dialog, and an object. Then your team (max of 5 people per team cast and crew) has 24 hours to conceive, write, film, and edit a 3-minute short film.

This is the film our team cam up with:

We came in 12th place with the judges and 5th place with the audience voting. It's hard to be objective when your own film is involved, but I really didn't feel like there were 11 films better than ours. Of course, I was unimpressed with the way the festival was run overall. Every event I went to started at least 30 minutes late and had technical difficulties. The awards ceremony had no agenda and the festival director kept asking the audience what to do next and how he should distribute the awards. I loved the challenge of making a film in 24 hours, but I don't know if I'd want to participate in the festival again.

Here's links to a couple other films I thought were very well done.

#Pound# 646 - This one is hilarious. It won a well-deserved first place.
Dream Fighter - I have no idea how they pulled this off in 24 hours. Very impressive. They got an honorable mention, but I thought they deserved better.

There were a couple of others that I liked as well, but I haven't seen them up on YouTube yet.

Cloverfield Warning (no spoilers)

2008-01-18T21:15:00.000-07:00

Evidently I'm back in the blogging mood and I like to blog about movies. Go figure.

This post is just a quick warning to anyone thinking about going to watch Cloverfield: If you are susceptible to motion sickness, you may want to save your money. What you see in the trailers is consistent with the feel of the whole movie.

I tried to go today and I had to leave the theater probably less than 30 minutes into the movie. If either of the last two Bourne movies made you at all queasy, you will not be able to watch Cloverfield. If you've ever gotten sick from playing a video game or reading in the car, this movie will make you puke. It's an interesting concept, but unfortunately, I couldn't even finish it. Josh and Jake finished the movie, but I think Jake felt sick the rest of the day.

There, I've done my duty and you've been warned. Transfer coin to right pocket...now.

Thoughts on I Am Legend (warning! spoilers)

2008-01-18T19:29:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, Josh (a coworker) sent me an email with some of his views about I Am Legend. I thought they were pretty interesting and so I wanted to post them here along with some thought of my own in an effort to provoke even more discussion and find out what others may have thought of the film. I held off a while to give more people a chance to see the movie, but if you still haven't had a chance to see it yet, you might want to skip this post or come back later.

Josh's email to me (edited for relevancy):

I'm getting really sick and tired of movies that not only use one brand of vehicle throughout, but go out of their way to shoot the vehicles so they look glamorous and wonderful. I just watched 15 minutes of commercials, I don't need more in the movie. Is this where Hollywood is now? Aren't there any directors out there who refuse to do blatant product placement? Would the great directors of yesteryear do this? Would Hitchcock or Welles?

In this movie, every car driven is a Ford. The first 10 minutes of the movie are a Ford commercial, and a kind of stupid one at that but I'll get to that in a minute. Both trucks shown later in the movie are Ford's. There's a shot toward the end of the movie that basically starts centered and zoomed in on the blue oval and zooms out from there.

Do you notice things like this or is it just me? It doesn't so much piss me off that Ford is doing this. What pisses me off, is the director sacrificing his integrity and selling out like that. It seriously detracts from the movie for me.

If you are going to go this far to sell out, why not go all the way. In this case, I would have put a line in for Will Smith to say when he finds the Mustang and says: "Oh yeah... Ford's all the way baby! Have you driven a Ford lately?" or something...

I give the movie a netflix 3-star "Liked it" rating, with means it was "eh" and frustrating at times but worth watching. It's one of my favorite premises so that helped. I loved 28 Days Later (but hated 28 Weeks Later)

I thought the CGI characters in the movie detracted from it. I really think the 'scary' vampire things would have been more scary had they actually been played by... actors. A novel idea I know. They made the typical hollywood scary-thing-scream sounds and looked like Gollum in a tool video. Can't the sound people in hollywood make a non-Lord of the Rings sound for scary things?

Empty New York looked great and there were some little touches they made in the environment that I thoroughly enjoyed. I loved that he had THE painting of Van Gogh's Starry Night hanging in his place and other famous paintings around in his apartment, like he rescued/stole them from the museum.

Okay, things I didn't get, like, or understand:

1. The Dark-Whatever-They-Called-Them thing ripping through the ceiling on the inside of his house. Why was he doing that? Was it to let the other ones in? or was he trying to get out?

2. why, Why, WHY would they have Will 'hunting' with the mustang? And what the hell was he trying to do? Run them over? That part was STOOOOOOOOPID. Obviously, he didn't catch any. Not the Prince's 'freshest' idea. It was obviously just a part of the movie to show of the mustang, which... never made another appearance.

3. Why were there deer on the island in the first place? did they swim? I can let this one go I guess...

4. How did latina chica (who's accent got stronger as the movie went on) get from Manhattan to Vermont in that Ford truck, when they blew up all the bridges?

5. The shiny Ford truck she was driving was obviously a different one then Will was trying to kill himself in right? So if that's true, you mean to tell me, that this chick, found and mounted a FREAKING safari rack on the top and stocked it full of survival gear? Riiiiiiiight.

6. So Will had electricity, yet at the beginning they showed Honda (I guess Ford doesn't make generators) generators in his kitchen powering stuff. Were they powering the entire house? Puh-lease... And there's no way there's still be power, without humans. Or WATER for that matter. But, i guess I can let that go too...

7. Don't you think they should have shown that Will had wired Enola- Gay sized bombs up all over the front yard of his house? I was kind of like "Where did that come from?"

8. When Latina Chica saved Will from the Dark-whatever-they-called- thems, how did she do it? Why didn't they show that? She apparently used a "Sun Spell" and was also able to move 200 lb Will Smith, all by herself into her car (apparently the tricked out Ford that was identical to Will's)

Argh! So frustrating!

My response email:

Very nice review. I like your thought. I'm am especially with you on the all the product placement in movies lately. It's completely lame. One of the worst ones I've seen lately was in Fantastic Four - Rise of the Silver Surfer. Mr. Fantastic summons his new flying machine via remote control and when it gets to them it has Dodge logos emblazoned on the seats. Then Johnny Flame boy (whatever his name is) looks at Mr. Fantastic and asks, "Hemi?" To which Mr. Fantastic replies, "Of course." This one little scene kinda ruined the whole movie for me. We're supposed to believe that a super-brilliant scientist uses the same engine to power his ultra-cool flying machine that Dodge uses to power their cars? Right! Car engines easily transform into better-than-jet engines.

As for all the other things about I Am Legend, I guess I was so caught up in being disappointed in how it didn't live up to the book that I forgot to notice all the reasons that it failed on its own (though I did think that trying to hunt from a mustang was one of the stupidest things I've ever seen).

My thoughts on the deer getting on the island as well as the woman getting off the island is that they must have gone through one of the many tunnels. I know they blew up the bridges, but they never said anything about the tunnels. I think you could effectively barricade a tunnel without having to blow it up, but then once most everyone died, the few survivors could have removed the barricades. In one scene they even showed the deer running into a tunnel (or maybe it was the subway--I don't remember). Of course, if it was tunnels, that then begs the question, "Aren't they controlled by the zombie things since it would be dark?" Who knows?

The other thing is that is wasn't just deer. Where the hell did the lions come from? Did they escape the zoo or something? Last time I checked, New York isn't exactly lion country. Is there a zoo in New York? Did they get this movie confused with Night at the Museum? (Note: After sending this email, I did check if there's a zoo on the island--there are three, but as far as I could find, none of them have lions.)

At the end, why didn't Will get in the safe, throw the grenade out right as the dark things broke the glass and then close the safe door? There was room for him in there, and grenades have a timed detonation so it would have worked. I guess he was just too dumb to think of that and then he wouldn't have been a "Legend."

Also, if he loved his dog so much, why not strap it down and keep testing on it like the dark-chick, or put it in a cage like one of the rats. Nope, gotta kill the dog at the first sign of monsterism so that Will's left all alone and the audience feels sorry for him.

The movie definitely had some problems, but I still liked it. Mostly cause I liked seeing empty new york--even if a few things looked super cg-ed (like any wide shots of the mustang driving around) and I like Will Smith.

Anyway, sorry for the long response. You should read the book. I'd like to
get your thoughts on that.

So, what do you think? Do you agree with Josh and I? Did you like the movie? Were there other things we missed? Have you read the book? Thoughts on that? If anyone ever reads my blog again after I went postless so long, I'd like your opinions.

Perspiration before Inspiration

2008-01-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at work I felt myself hit a bit of a post lunch dip. I had a lot to do, but found myself feeling a bit uninspired. Sometimes when that happens I’ll do something unproductive like check a friend’s blog or look over some fantasy basketball stats for a few minutes. But yesterday, due to some New Year’s Resolutions and the amount of things I needed to get done, I felt the need to overcome my lack of motivation. I thought, “Perhaps I can quickly find something to inspire and motivate me and then get right back to work.” I went to one of my favorite sites, www.quotationspage.com, and searched for “inspiration” to see if I could find some words to get me going.

What I found caught me a little off guard, not because it was something new, but simply because it wasn’t what I was looking for; however, it was exactly what I needed. Check out some of the great quotes about inspirations:

We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.

- Frank Tibolt

Inspiration does exist, but it must find you working.

- Pablo Picasso

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

- Jack London

Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop an approach for the rest of the time... The wait is simply too long.

- Leonard Bernstein

They who lack talent expect things to happen without effort. They ascribe failure to a lack of inspiration or ability, or to misfortune, rather than to insufficient application. At the core of every true talent there is an awareness of the difficulties inherent in any achievement, and the confidence that by persistence and patience something worthwhile will be realized. Thus talent is a species of vigor.

- Eric Hoffer

Basically, the main message I got out of these quotes was that inspiration and motivation come to those who learn to work even without feeling inspired or motivated to do so. Despite what Heinz Ketchup or more recently Guinness Beer would have you think, the best things DO NOT come to those who wait (remember those commercials? the ketchup ones are quite a bit older). Good things come to those who get off their butt and work. Come to think of it, this even holds true with ketchup—after all, Heinz does sell a squeeze bottle now. Maybe that whole “proverb” was just made up by clever marketers trying to sell products that don’t provide the instant gratification that their competitors’ products did. I digress.

The quotes above also reminded me of a passage from talk by former LDS President, Ezra Taft Benson that I used to read when feeling lackadaisical on my mission:

“I have often said that one of the greatest secrets of missionary work is work! If a missionary works, he will get the Spirit; if he gets the Spirit, he will teach by the Spirit; and if he teaches by the Spirit, he will touch the hearts of the people and he will be happy. Work, work, work—there is no satisfactory substitute, especially in missionary work.”

You can substitute the word Spirit for inspiration or motivation (and what better source of inspiration or motivation can there be than from God’s Holy Spirit), and you can substitute all references to missionary work for whatever it is that you want to accomplish—the message still applies—you must work to become inspired, not be inspired to work.

I believe that the truly great and successful people in this world are those who have the discipline to do a thing even when they might not feel like it. In the end, inspiration and motivation come to those who work. Perhaps that’s why Edison said, “Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.” So if you’ve got something to do, go out there and get to it. Even if you’re not sure where to start, start somewhere and you’ll figure it out as you get into the details.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my lunch break is over and I’ve got to get back to work.

If They Can Do It, Why Can’t I?(Get ready for a Rant)

2007-05-31T21:07:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer

I’m going to start off by apologizing for the length of this post. I haven’t even written it yet, and I know it’s gonna be long… probably the longest to date (which for me is ridiculously long). So if you’re not in the mood to read something long, feel free to skim or even skip this post. You probably won’t miss much, but since I haven’t posted in a while, I feel I’m entitled to a long one. Here’s the executive summary for those who are busy but don’t like to skip completely:

So far, I’m disappointed about the summer block busters
I’m pessimistic about the summer movies that haven’t been released
I hated Spiderman so much that I wrote a whole list of reasons I hated it.
All this pessimism makes me optimistic. (If Hollywood sucks so bad, why couldn’t I make something at least as sucky or even better?)

On with the post...
Okay, originally, this post was just going to be a review of why I didn’t like Spiderman 3. I started writing a few ideas, but didn’t finish before I saw Shrek the Third and then Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End. Those two weren’t really that great either and they got me thinking, what else do I have to look forward to this summer. As I made my mental checklist, I realized how many movies this summer are sequels or television shows being turned into movies. I couldn’t believe it. Here’s a quick list of what we’ve got to look forward to:

Already Out:

Spiderman 3
Shrek the Third
Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End

Coming Soon:

Ocean’s Thirteen
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Evan Almighty
Live Free Or Die Hard
Transformers
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
The Simpsons Movie
The Bourne Ultimatum
Rush Hour 3

And these are just the films that I think look cool. There’s a whole bunch of other sequels coming out this summer to movies that I didn’t even to bother seeing the first time around. It’s crazy. Not only that, it seems like all the Blockbusters this summer are sequels or TV adaptations. Here’s a challenge for you: without going out and searching IMDB or some other site, name me one movie you’re excited about this summer that’s not a sequel or TV show. I hope you can do it ‘cause I need some original movies to get excited about.

I mean I want to be excited about what’s coming. The trailers to these movies look really cool—especially Transformers, that one practically gave me chills—but I was just remembering how awesome Pirates III looked in the trailer. Heck, almost all trailers make a movie look good. Even Spiderman 3 looked good in the trailer, but it wasn’t. And here’s why:

Okay, before I get into this, I want to be courteous to anyone who may not have seen it and warn you that my “review” will contain some spoilers. I also want to clarify that although I was monumentally disappointed in the movie, I still felt I got my money’s worth because I really liked some of the action sequences and special effects.

The biggest reason I was disappointed in the movie was the story. The plot seemed very contrived and extremely coincidental. I don’t mind when a movie tries to fit in a lot of things, but you have to know your limits. Without any back-story or proper foundation for many of the subplots, the writers had to rely on way too many convenient coincidences. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect movies to be realistic or free of coincidences. But even when you enter the realms science fiction of fantasy, you still have to make you story believable. The audience has to buy into what can happen in your fictional world. If there are too many coincidences that don’t seem established, the plot starts to seem very manufactured and artificial. Let me show you what I mean. Below I’m going to list all the coincidences I noticed in Spiderman 3 that seemed overly convenient. Keep in mind, there might be many more coincidences in the movie that I didn’t notice or that I don’t remember since it’s been about three weeks since I’ve seen it; and yes, I only saw it once.
Convenient Coincidences:

Venom goop lands within a few yards of spidey while he’s making out and he doesn’t notice it or pick it up with his super-keen spidey senses. He then drives right next to it so it can latch on to his scooter. If we knew more about the goop, maybe it wouldn’t seem like a huge coincidence that of all the millions of square miles on the planet it fell right next to him. Is it some alien life form with intelligence of its own? Has it been watching spidey? Did it purposely pick to crash land near him for his powers? We don’t know, and worse, we never really get to know a whole lot about it other than it brings out the worst in people and gives them super powers.
Sandman is running through downtown New York being chased by cops one minute, then, the next minute he’s somehow out in the middle of nowhere in some sort of Government testing facility. How did this happen? It sure seems like he’s back in the city right away afterwards. Is there a mystical teleportation gate somewhere in Manhattan? If so, I’d like to visit it when I got there this summer.
Sandman happens to fall into the sand just as the scientists happen to cue up an experiment for who knows what and they happen to mistake him for a bird, oh yeah and instead of killing him, the experiment happens to turn him into living sand. With a little more setup, I’d probably have no problem buying into this. After all, I bought into Spidey getting his powers from being bitten by a genetically engineered spider.
Sandman happens to be the guy the killed Uncle Ben. Yes, that’s right. The one guy in the world spidey would get really mad at just happens to also get super powers. See how all these chance happenings are starting to get a little overwhelming?
Spidey saves a girl who is not only some sort of model, but also happens to be his lab partner in his chemistry class. All professional models have to study chemistry, right?
This same girl also happens to be dating the photographer who is trying to steal Spidey’s job as photographer.
The same girl (who is Spidey’s lab partner and the girl he saved and subsequently kissed) happens to enter the same restaurant where Spidey is just about to propose to his girlfriend. How often do you see someone you know in a restaurant? Do you live in New York where there are like a zillion more people and zillion more restaurants than most places?
Topher (I can’t remember his character’s name), the only person in the world who has reason to hate Peter Parker (not hate Spiderman—a lot of criminals probably hate him without knowing he’s Peter Parker) other than his best friend Harry (who already happens to have super powers) just happens to be in the Church where Spidey decides to go and free himself of the Venom goop. Oh, and of course he also happens to go investigate when he hears Spidey freeing himself and some of the goop happens to fall on him. I know when I hear agonized screaming mixed with church bells, I always run to find out what’s going on.

Again, individually I really don’t have a problem with any of these coincidences, but as they start to pile up during the movie, I find myself less and less able to lose myself in the story. Instead I just watch it as something someone created. I start to analyze the cinematography and the acting and the editing and so on. Now I love to analyze those things, but if a movie is really good, then I have to do it on the second or third viewing because for the first viewing I’m not seeing actors or camera angles, I’m just seeing a story unfold and I forget to care about those other things. The actors become their characters instead of actors doing a decent job portraying characters and… well you get the idea.

The next reason I was disappointed also relates to the plot. Even with all the convenient coincidences, the writers evidently still weren’t able move the plot along how they wanted, so they also had to go back and change a few things from the first movie to help move things along. This really pisses me off, because now, not only did they ruin the third installment, they’ve also tainted the first Spiderman—which I really liked. I will now longer be able to watch that one without being reminded of how some of the plot points from it are later changed. Here’s what I mean:

Spidey didn’t really kill Uncle Ben’s killer as we were shown in the first movie, that guy actually had an accomplice who was the one that killed Uncle Ben.
The Goblin didn’t really die immediately when his flying sled nearly cut him in half in the first movie. No, what really happened is that he was somehow still alive when Spiderman dropped him off back at the mansion and the loyal butler cared for him and tended his wounds until he died.
Speaking of loyal butler since when did The Osborns steal “Alfred” from the Waynes? I don’t really remember him an either of the first two movies. Near the end of the Spiderman 3, after Harry tells Spidey that he won’t help him, the family butler steps forward to tell Harry how much he loves the Osborn family and reveals to Harry that he knows Spidey didn’t kill his father. A few problems with this:

Since when are butlers forensic scientists? Who is he to say that Spiderman didn’t fly the sled into Norman Osborn? He really had no way to know this information.
Why didn’t he say anything before? The situation should have been apparent to him long before this time.
Why would he be a loyal the Osborns? I mean Alfred, the loyal butler in Batman had every reason to be the Butler who is almost a family member. The Waynes were philanthropists. Great, kind, loving people. Norman Osborn was a jerk—even before he became the Goblin. He was a self-absorbed power monger who was more worried about money than he was about his own son. That’s why he made such a great, believable villain (unlike the Sandman who is really just a nice guy trying to help his daughter). Anybody else remember this from the first movie? Why would a butler be loyal to him and his family? Why? Because he makes a very convenient Deus Ex Machina to unite Harry and Spidey for the final battle.

The third main reason I was disappointed was Super Emo Peter. I’m stealing this term for my little sister as the way to describe the version of Peter Parker when his hair is greased down and he pops his collar and looks like a complete idiot. What was up with this guy? Here’s the thing. I really don’t have a problem with the fact that he looked ridiculous. If that’s what the venom goop does to him, so be it. What I did have a problem with are the conflicting ways that women reacted to it. In some scenes, Emo Peter seemed to get the reaction I would expect from women to someone that looked liked that; i.e. they looked at him with disgust and revulsion. However, in other scenes it seemed to have the opposite effect and now Super Emo Peter had some sort of mystical power over women as if they couldn’t resist his Emo-ness. The worst part is, it didn’t just change once. They kept going back and forth! Make up your mind. I will buy either one, but not both. It was almost as if the writers disagreed what effect would be more funny so they just compromised and went with both.

Finally, one other point that Steve brought up: Why is Peter Parker still so stinking poor? This one really wouldn’t bother me all that much if I weren’t looking for things to be bothered by, but since I am…. I mean, he’s the only photographer that can get good pictures of Spidey. He’s a photographer with Spidey skills and Spidey sense. AND he’s also a genius nerd. About the only time it’s not cool to be extremely smart and nerdy is High School. Everyone knows that when it comes to the real world, nerds make really good money. I’m not saying they’re always Bill Gates—not all nerds have his business sense—but nerds are always very employable because of their superior technical skills and intelligence.

Top it all off with some one-dimensional characters, some less-than-great acting, and some noticeable CG gaffs, and you have a movie that is making way more money than it deserves.

Wow, this is getting long. Well, I knew it would before I even started. The sad thing is, I could go on for nearly just as long with all the reasons I was disappointed in Pirates 3… but I won’t… at least not in this post.

The not-so-sad thing is that I look at all this and can’t help but believe there are other people out there who, like me, are starving for great, original stories. If this is the best Hollywood can come up with, and if this unoriginal garbage can make millions, why shouldn’t I go after my dream and keep writing and dinking around with movie making in my spare time? Shouldn’t I be able to come up with something at least as bad as Spiderman? Easier yet, couldn’t I come up with something on par with some of the sequels that got made and are coming out this summer that didn’t even make my list above? I believe I can!

We Lost

2007-04-08T20:28:00.000-07:00

Well, we didn't win the contest, but at least we had fun seeing all the other films at the Tower Theater. I really wasn't disappointed that we didn't win because I thought there were a few entries that were legitimately better than ours; however, I was a little disappointed with the one that did win--it was not my favorite. Oh well, good for him/them.

Despite all the funny films, probably the funniest part of the whole Really, Really, Really, Really Short Film Festival was when an old lady in front of us got hit in the face with a DVD. They were throwing them out as prizes and she tried to catch it, but instead it glanced off her hand, hit her in the face, and broke her glasses. What made it even funnier was that the DVD this nice old lady was trying to catch was The Full Monty, the "Fully Exposed" edition. Classic!

I finally posted our short film on you tube:

Let me know what you think. Hopefully sometime this week, I'm going to cut together an extended version with some of the footage I wasn't able to use due to the time constraints. I learned that in "the industry," cutting out good scenes for the sake of run time is often referred to as "killing you babies." I guess the beauty of director's cuts is that you can resurrect them. :)

In the top 25

2007-04-02T20:41:00.000-07:00

For most anyone who reads my Blog, this is probably old news as I’ve been so excited about it that I’ve probably told you already anyway, but the 61-second film we made for 101.9’s contest (see previous post) qualified as one of the 25 finalists today.

I don’t know if that’s saying much because I have no idea how many entrants there were, but they made it sound like there were a lot. At the very least, it was cool to hear my name on the Radio (they even pronounced it right—miracle) and to see it posted on 101.9’s contest page. I took a screen shot since I’m sure that page won’t last forever:

Please come to the Tower Theater (900 E. 900 S., SLC) this Wed. at 7:00 pm to vote for us and help us win. Even though I don’t think we have much of a chance, it would be really fun to get a big gang of friends together at the theater.

I ended up being a little disappointed in the final product, but I’m usually my toughest critic in anything I do. And when I say I’m critical of myself, that is exactly what I mean. I have no problems with anyone else’s work. I was a little disappointed in some of my camera work, some things I failed to shoot, and a couple of the edits. The rest I thought was great.

I know I’m still a long way away from my dream, but it’s been fun to work on a couple projects. My journal of things I’m learning and things I’ll do better next time grew a lot. I really don’t think we’re too far away from being able to do something that I’ll feel satisfied with.

The one thing I do feel bad about is that since my name was the one on the entry form, it’s the only one that’s displayed on 101.9’s site and was the only one read on the radio. In reality, everyone that worked on the project deserves just as much credit as I do. With that in mind, thanks a ton to:

Elwon Bakly for the original idea and his sweet acting and voice skills
Wes Lapioli for awesome music, sound, and acting (oh, and bringing donuts to the shoot)
Eric Ristau for sweet radio voice recordings and lots of really helpful FinalCutPro advice
Jake Sabey for color balance and acting
Dominic Bakly for a good kick to Elwon’s Groin
Alexandra Bakly for chasing Elwon even though it wasn’t scripted
Aaron Vaughn for creative input
My Wife for supporting me and giving valuable editing feedback
The Wives of Elwon, Wes, and Jake for letting them spend a Saturday shooting
Mikal for taking cool pictures of our final scene
Steve for giving me a lot of crap for forgetting to call him to come help
Doba for being awesome and letting us use some of their equipment
Canyon Park security for just walking on by when Elwon was trying to break the doors of building E off their hinges
Jonas and Sidwell for early screening and feedback
And everyone who offered good feedback or words of encouragement.

Wow. No wonder acceptance speeches get to be so ridiculous. We only made a 61-second film and it hasn’t even won anything, but even at that, I feel like a LOT of peoples helped in the process of making this silly little short. I hope that list didn’t come across wrong. I’m just trying to give out credit where it’s due. You guys all rock. Good work!

Making Movies

2007-03-26T15:29:00.000-07:00

I have a secret dream of someday making an amazingly cool, super successful movie. Okay, actually it’s not really a “secret” dream, but it is a dream.

Until I can live out my dream, I like to practice by trying to make what some might refer to as “amateur home movies,” but I like to call “Independent short films.”

This weekend, we were shooting what will be a 61-second short film that we plan to enter in 101.9 The End’s “Really, Really, Really Short Film Festival.” Mikal Belicove of the Beli-Blog showed up to snap some photos of the shoot. I really like them ‘cause I think the cool camera makes me look like I know what I’m doing, so I wanted to take the opportunity to post a few of them here.

I need to read over the terms and conditions of the contest to make sure it’s allowed, but if so, I’ll post the film on YouTube when we’re done.

Until then, enjoy the pics!

Setting the White Balance on the Camera
(L to R: Me, Wes, Jake)

Me, Directing. Wes ready with Boom.

L to R: Elwon, Wes, Me

L to R: Wes, Me, Elwon, Jake

We have the coolest camera. Doba rocks!

A cool shot of all our reflections in the doors.
(L to R: Me, Jake, Mikal, Elwon, Wes)

Of PF Chang’s and Fortune Cookies

2007-03-12T16:38:00.000-07:00

So I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to eat at PF Chang’s China Bistro. I think their food is pretty tasty, but every time I eat there, I get sick. Sick as in I have to spend a lot of time reading in the bathroom. Not only that, I always get the most disgusting tasting/smelling burps after eating there. If I don’t wait enough time in between visits, I can actually taste elements of the disgusting burps in the food I’m eating. Yes, it’s revolting and nauseating.

A quick poll around the office here showed me that I’m not alone in getting sick. Four other people reported that they’ve experienced similar bodily reactions to the decidedly non-Chinese food served at this so-called Chinese restaurant.

While I’m thinking about Chinese restaurants, I wanted to talk about fortune cookies. I’ve found that a lot of people have funny habits when it comes to fortune cookies. For example, many people like to add the words “in bed” to the end of their fortune.

I picked up an odd superstition (I think from my wife, Linda) that in order for the fortune to come true, you must eat the entire fortune cookie before reading the fortune. In my most recent visit to PF Chang’s I decided to add to this superstition. If you’ve eaten the cookie and then you read the fortune and you don’t like the fortune, you can reduce the chance of the fortune coming true by getting the fortune as close to being back inside the cookie as possible. Since you’ve already eaten the cookie, this means you must now eat the fortune paper.

Now I know what you might be thinking, “Clark, you idiot! No wonder you got sick. You ate the fortune paper.” Well, that might be true, but of all the times I’ve ever eaten at the Chang’s, I’ve gotten sick, and this is the only time I’ve eaten the paper; therefore, my highly scientific brain tells me that your paper theory is wrong.

One last thought: I hate it when a so-called fortune cookie turns out not to be a “fortune” cookie at all. In other words, the piece of paper has words of advice on it, or tells you one of your personality traits. Wouldn’t this make them advice cookies or personality cookies? Listen all Chinese restaurants and fortune cookie chefs: If I want my treats to give me advice or tell me things other than my future, I’ll buy some of those little candy hearts or some individually wrapped Dove chocolates. But when I eat a FORTUNE cookie, that little piece of paper inside better vaguely predict my future or be a one million dollar bill folded up really small. Either of those are acceptable fortunes. All others are not!

Blog Poll:

Do you get sick when eating at PF Chang’s or any other restaurant?
Do you have any weird habits or superstitions that go along with fortune cookies?

Down with ROFL

2007-02-23T15:56:00.000-07:00

Two posts in one day! Take that Stu! That'll teach you to take me off your link list!

So I do a lot of IMing and as anyone who instant messages much, I've picked up several abbreviations that I use: brb is "be right back," IMO is "in my opinion," IMHO is the ridiculous version of IMO and stands for "in my honest opinion" (can you have a dishonest opinion?) and of course when something is funny there's lol or "laugh out loud." If something is really funny (or moderately funny for Steve Lyon) then you type ROFL which is "rolling on the floor laughing."

I can't speak for everyone, but I very rarely laugh out loud when I'm just reading something. In fact, even in really funny movies I rarely laugh out loud. And the last time I can remember rolling on the floor laughing was as a small child when my dad would tickle me 'till I couldn't breath (if you want to lol about this then listen to Dane Cook's bit on tickling).

For people like me, I'd like to introduce a new abbreviation that I for one am going to start using: ctm. It stands for "chuckling to myself." Sure, it might be kind of a pain at first as I have to explain it to everyone, but I only have a total of like 40-50 people in my messenger list and I only really IM regularly with maybe half those and then only half again ever type anything to make me ctm, so it won't be so bad. Maybe I'll just create a macro command that automatically pastes a link to this post so I don't have to type the explanation everytime.

Anyway, from now on, I'm standing for honesty in IM abbreviations. If I type ctm in an IM to you, you made me smile and chuckle to myself. If I type lol, you'll know you said something really funny that made me actually laugh out loud. And if you catch me typing ROFL then you better come find me quick because either someone has highjacked my IM ID or I've fallen prey to some sort of deranged tickle maniac who is strong enough to hold me down and tickle me 'till I can't breathe.

Mama said knock you out!

2007-02-23T13:53:00.000-07:00

Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve posted to my blog that I doubt anyone will even read this. Nevertheless, I’m going to try and start posting again. After being shown up by my wife and little sister, I’ve decided that I’m a pretty pathetic excuse for an aspiring writer. How do I ever expect to finish a screenplay or novel if I can’t even make an occasion blog post? Depressing ☹

Okay that’s out of my system. On to other things that are bothering me—number one on my list for today: knocking people unconscious. Why don’t I know how to do this? According to television and movies, this should be relatively easy to do, but I’m not sure how. Evidently, it involves a good blow to the head. Blows to the head are something I have a lot of personal experience with, yet I must be missing something as I’ve never been knocked unconscious or knocked someone else unconscious.

In the movies, anyone and everyone seems to know how to do this in a manner that not only effectively incapacitates the desired target for several hours, but also does no permanent damage other than perhaps a painful headache. In an episode of Prison Break I watched recently, four different people were knocked unconscious by three other people within the course of a 45 minute show. Of the four, all of them were conscious and fine within a matter of hours. Do I need to go to prison to learn this skill?

In a snowboarding crash, I once hit my head so hard that I lost three days of my memory (which could be a useful blow to master in and of itself) but I still never lost consciousness (or at least that's what witnesses tell me; I don't remember). I’ve had multiple concussions that left me extremely nauseated and dizzy for a couple of days, but again, I remained conscious through each one.

And it’s not just me. I’ve known several people who’ve experienced pretty severe head trauma without losing consciousness. Why is it that movie folk can take any blunt object and instantly incapacitate whomever they wish without causing them permanent damage or killing them? Seriously, think about this over the course of the next few movies and tv shows you watch. I can almost guarantee you’re going to see it. The two exceptions are Homer Simpson and Barney Gumble who are evidently very resistant to being knocked out by a blow to the head, but extremely susceptible to being knocked out by mass quantities of Duff.

The writers of these films and shows either need to come up with more creative ways of incapacitating people, or they need to call me up and explain how it’s done so that I can have that skill too. It’s only fair.

It’s not what you know; it’s what you grow.

2006-08-31T08:38:00.000-07:00

This is an older story, but it came up the other day and I felt it had to be shared. Hopefully I’m not being like Jude Law’s character in I Heart Huckabees with his Shania, tuna fish story.

Here's a teaser to spark your interest.

While I was going to school, I spent two summers working as a pest control technician for Orkin. There’s actually a lot of blog-worthy experiences that came out of that job, but today I want to focus on a social phenomenon I like to call “The Mustache Factor.”

After completing my five-day training course at “Orkin University,” I was feeling pretty confident. After all, I graduated valedictorian of my training class—I even have the plastic coffee mug to prove it…errr, at least I did until I lost it.

Anyway, when I first started servicing accounts, I noticed, to my dismay, that the homeowners didn’t seem to trust me. They would follow me around their houses, watching me like a hawk and peppering me with questions about what I was doing:

Homeowner: “Are you sure you can put that there?”
Me: “Yes”
Homeowner: “Is that safe for my kids?”
Me: Yes.
Homeowner: "Are you sure?"
Me: “Yes, I’m sure. I was valedictorian of my training class.”
Homeowner: “What chemicals are you using?”
Me: “The right ones”
Homeowner: “How long have you been doing this?”
Me: “Did I mention I was the best in my training? I got a friggin’ coffee mug with the Orkin Dude on it. Lay off!”
And so on.

At first I just chalked it up to being new. “I’m not exuding confidence.” I thought. But after a month or two, it was still happening. Then, one day I had an epiphany. I was at the workers’ comp doctor’s office for a mandatory drug test. (For all of my friends that work in cushy offices/cubicles, this is a fairly common occurrence in blue-collar jobs—especially those that involve driving a company vehicle.)

As I sat in the waiting room looking at all the other blue-collar workers, it was like going back to my childhood days watching the Sesame Street segment “One of these things is not like the others.” The painters were in their paint stained-overalls, the contractors had Nextels and tape measures on their belts, the mechanics had grease-stained hands and their names on their shirts, and the landscapers had grass-stained shoes. I had my white Orkin shirt and was feeling pretty good about myself because I had my flashlight and mirror-stick on my belt, but then I noticed my failing.

As I looked around the room, every single other guy in there had a mustache. It was incredible. I realized I was missing a key status symbol for my line of work. I thought about the other guys who worked out of my Orkin office. Yep, they all had mustaches too. In fact, even the lone female pest control tech that worked there had a bit of a mustache.

Why didn’t my training cover this? Dr. Bug (as we so fondly called our our Orkin U instructor) had failed me.

I set out to correct my faux pas and immediately started growing a mustache…three weeks later I had something that vaguely resembled one.

I know this might be hard to believe, but as soon as I had a mustache all the questions stopped. People no longer wanted to know if this was just a summer job; they didn’t ask how long I’d been doing it, or even follow me around their house. I just went in, did my job and left. It was awesome!

Could it have been coincidence? No way! Just to be certain, my buddy (who I’d convinced to go to Florida and spray bugs with me) grew a mustache too. The results were almost exactly the same.

A few weeks later, my then girlfriend and now wife, told me how ugly I was with a mustache and vowed to stop kissing me unless I shaved. Off came the mustache and away went the trust. I couldn’t believe it. To this day, my buddy and I still talk about “ Mustache Power.” I even think it has something to do with why Adolf Hitler and Saddam Hussein managed to get so many followers.

What do you think?

Note: If you visit www.orkin.com, the guy on their home page is obviously not a real Orkin man. I would guess that he’s a paid model, but I can’t imagine anyone paying that guy to model. He’s most likely someone on their website design team that just dressed up for that picture so they’d have something to put on the site.

The Tools of the trade.

The downfall of the 'stache.

Unwritten Code of Conduct or Secret Society?

2006-08-30T15:43:00.000-07:00

Since purchasing my scooter, Hidalgo, almost a year ago, I’ve taken notice of something that seems a little odd to me. As I pass the drivers of other scooters and motorcycles on the road, they often let go of the left hand grip, drop their left hand down to the side, and then do kind of a two-finger wave/salute thingy with that hand.

At first I just thought it was just one or two people waving in a weird way, but then, when it happened three times in one drive home, I started to take notice. Sure enough, it happened pretty often, and it wasn’t just the same one or two people doing it. Soon I started testing out initiating the unique wave myself. The majority of the time, the other riders will return the signal.

So my question is: Is this just some unwritten motorcycle wave?

Shortly after getting my driver's license, I noticed that when you’re driving in your car on a canyon road, a dirt road, or just a road that is generally in the middle of nowhere, nearly everyone you pass will wave at you like it's just understood that you will wave back. Is what I'm noticing now the same type of thing but for motorcycles and scooters everywhere?

The remote location wave makes sense to me. Afterall, if you're in a remote location, you want to be friendly because if you break down, that guy you waved at earlier might pass you and you want him to be friendly back. But what is the motivation for the two finger motorcycle wave?

Did it originate with motorcycle gangs and then just spread to everyone from there? Or does it go deeper? Is it some sort of secret society of two wheeled motorists and they’re checking to see if I’m a member? If so, where does this society hold meetings? Is the initiation painful? What benefits do I get? Someone please help! I need answers.

Also scooter related, I've been wondering what the public opinion is on “splitting lanes” when riding a scooter or motorcycle in a traffic jam or slow traffic. What do you think? Acceptable or rude? (No comments about dangerousness please. I don't care about that. I know it's dangerous, but is it also poor form?)

Call Me Buminicious (it might not be as powerful a begining as "Call me Ishmael", but it's a way better story than Moby Dick)

2006-08-14T07:57:00.000-07:00

My little sister recently told me a story that’s too good not to be shared. Though difficult to believe, she swears it is true. You’ll have to judge for yourself.

My sister has friend who was doing her student teaching somewhere in the Deep South. On the first day of her kindergarten class, she was calling role and asked the students to let her know if they wanted to be called something other than what the role showed.

When she called one little boy’s name, he responded in a thick southern accent saying, “Call me by my initials.” Now in order for this story to work at all in written form, you have to imagine what that would sound like in thick southern drawl. It must have been something closer to “Cawl me buh muh ‘nicials.”

The teacher, unable to understand his words, asked the boy to repeat himself. “Cawl me buh muh ‘nicials” the boy said again.

“Buminicious?” the teacher asked, confused?

“Buh muh ‘nicials,” the boy corrected.

“Well okay then Buminicious.” And with that, incredible as it sounds, the teacher made a note on her roll that the boy’s name was Buminicious… and she called him that for the rest of the term.

The five-year-old boy was obviously too bashful to correct his teacher, but can you imagine the ridicule he must have faced on the playground? My brother was quick to point out that Bumincious is only one letter away from Bumilicious. The poor kid was almost Destiny Child’s next hit song.

Now the best part of the story…

How did the teacher finally come to realize her mistake? Well, at the end of the term she had parent-teacher conferences with the parents of all the children. When this boy’s parents came in, the teacher kept saying things about Buminicious.

Imagine if you will: “Well, Buminicious is doing well in his coloring, but when it comes time to share, little Buminicious has a hard time.”

After a couple repetitions, the boy’s mother screwed up her face and asked, “What are you calling my son?”

“Buminicious.” Replied the teacher.

The mother became a bit angry. “And WHY are you calling my son Bumincious?” she asked, raising her voice in strong Southern fashion.

Now the teacher was nervous. “Well he told me to. The very first day of class when I was calling role he said, ‘call me Buminicious.’”

The mother thought about it for a few beats and quickly came to the truth. “He said, ‘Call me by my initials.’ We call him T.J.!” Ah man, how embarrassing!

That’s where the story ends, but it doesn’t have to be where the fun ends. After all, we now have a great new word we can use, and I propose that we make the most of it. Think of it—the possibilities are endless! Examples:

Something cool happens; you say, “Whoa! That was buminicious!”
Your significant other is looking hot; you say, “Wow, you’re looking buminicious today!”
And so forth.

Get creative. Post other uses here so the rest of us can benefit from your creativity. Most importantly, enjoy!

Bloggin' From a Mac

2006-07-31T21:31:00.000-07:00

I never thought it would happen, but I now have a Mac. After the Alienware crapped out on me three times on Friday, I was able to convince Jer that I needed a new computer. Of course it was actually easier when I asked him if I could get a Mac.

For as much as I resisted, it's actually pretty sweet once you start to get the hang of it. A lot of things still feel weird, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. Plus, on the new Macs I can run windows if I need to.

That's all I really have to say... oh yeah, also, we sold our house! Wooohooo! (Not to be confused with Wahooo!, Buck's blog. I don't want him to sue me.) It only took us 10 days. We actually received two offers today. Nuts! Evidently a lot of people use www.forsalebyowner.com (or at least more than we thought).

Home For Sale

2006-07-20T21:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, somehow committing to post at least three times a month seems to make the months go by way faster… or maybe it’s just that this month has been really busy.

Among many other things, we’ve finally decided to sell our house and get out of the Ranches. Check out the sweet site Linda made to help us sell the house: www.winegarfamily.com.

To be honest, it’s kind of bittersweet ‘cause we really like our house here and our neighbors and the area we live in, but the drive in and out just got to be unbearable. The fact that our new house will be 5 minutes from work and 5 minutes from the freeway makes it a lot more sweet than bitter I guess. Like a chocolate covered coffee bean—only instead of just a thin coating of chocolate, the bean is inside a 2 pound brick of chocolate.

We’re building, so we won’t be moving into our new house until late November or December, but hopefully we’ll sell our house way before that and move into an apartment for a few months. Either way, at least there’s a light at the end of the tunnel now.

If you know anyone that enjoys being stuck in traffic for long periods of time, or that works from home or somewhere near Eagle Mountain, please let them know there’s a great home for sale. :)

A Quiet Place to Read

2006-07-12T11:58:00.000-07:00

I’d like to pose some questions for consideration and discussion. Now I know there aren’t too many people that read this blog, so for those of you who do, it would be helpful if you can talk to friends and family and get their opinions too.

Question #1: Do you like to read while on the toilet?

Question #2: Do you feel that reading on the toilet contaminates the book, magazine, newspaper, etc.?

Question #3: If you lent someone a book and found out they read it while on the toilet, how would you feel about it?

Question #4: If someone lent you a book they had read on the toilet, what would you think?

Question #5: If you have borrowed a book from someone else, do you think it’s okay to read it on the toilet?

Question #6: If you were in clean public restroom, and there were a magazine rack by the toilet that also looked clean, would you pick up a magazine and read it?

Question #7: What about reading in the bathtub?

My answers are as follows:

1. Always. 2. Not really, but even if it does, our immune systems need something to fight. 3. I would be fine with it. 4. Also no big deal. 5. Um, I don’t know if it’s okay, but I do it anyway. I don’t really even think about it. 6. Yes. 7. It’s the one place to read that’s even better than the toilet.

Cool Time Waster

2006-06-30T16:01:00.000-07:00

So this is kind of a weak post to get me within my goal, but at least it will keep me from getting discouraged and giving up on the blog altogether. Buck found this sweet flash game online. Personally, I find it ironic that we need a digital version of waste paper basketball to fight office boredom. What was wrong with the real version? And how long must this have taken to make? Evidently, the guy that made this game has a really boring job.

Since Buck's the one that found this in the first place, I'll give him kudos for having the highest score thus far, but that also probably means that he wastes more time. :)

Play the game >>

Nacho Libre Extravaganza

2006-06-30T15:39:00.000-07:00

I know I’m coming in a little late this month, but I still intend to meet my goal of at least three posts per month. If I can meet a pathetic goal like that, I might as well shut this blog down and do something else.

June has been an eventful month. There was the craziness of getting ready for eBay Live, then the eBay Live Show, Doba Movie night for Nacho Libre, and a company BBQ where we launched the Doba Fitness Challenge.

Though eBay Live was a great event, I think I was even more excited about the Nacho Libre extravaganza. I think I was probably the first person in the office to run across the preview online and it quickly circulated around the office.

Then Jer decided to have the company rent out an entire theater so we could go to it as a company. From then on, we knew it would be craziness. I had my brother pick up a bunch of luchador masks in Juarez, Mexico, we played and quoted the trailers extensively around the office, and Jer and I even staged a small stunt where he winged a cantaloupe at my bare chest during an all hands meeting.

The night of the show was sweet. A lot of people showed up in luchador costumes and we all gave ourselves Spanish wrestler names. Then we did impressions of Nacho and tried out our wrestling moves before the show started. The company even made sure that everyone had a coupon for some Nachos and cheese.

To be honest, I was a little disappointed in the show itself. It was funny, but not as funny as it could have been. Perhaps I just had my expectations a little too high. Oh well, I guess now I’ll just have to wait for Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby to see if it turns out to be as hilarious as its trailer.

We took a bunch of pics, but unfortunately most of them didn’t turn out to well ‘cause it was so dark. Here’s a couple that turned out okay:

This is Linda and I in our masks.

This is me pushing out my stomach as far as I can to try and look like Jack Black. I hope I don't really look that fat. Or if I do, I hope I won't by the end of the fitness challenge.

JerPool

2006-06-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

I love where I work. For more info see www.ilovedoba.com. Actually, on second thought, don’t go there. I haven’t updated it in almost a year. Plus, I was trying to get it done really fast and the content there is hugely inadequate at expressing how much I really like the company I work for and the people I work with.

But I digress, I started this post with “I love where I work” because I wanted to talk about a game I often play with our CEO, Jeremy Hanks. It’s called JerPool because he invented it, but I’d like to think that I had a hand in helping to define it as a game. It’s played on a pool table with pool balls, but you don’t use pool cues.

It is loosely based on normal 8-ball; however, there are enough differences that you’ll want to read the full JerPool rules before you attempt to play. You also might want to put some padding on any walls near your table, make sure you can afford to replace your balls, and think about how important it is to you that your table looks nice—if it is important, consider if you want to re-felt your table.

We strongly believe that someday soon, you’ll be seeing JerPool on ESPN2. After all, you can only watch so much Texas Hold ‘Em before it gets really old. Plus, once you’ve watched a game of JerPool, you’ll be hooked. The sheer luck factor makes for some pretty amazing shots and exciting jumped balls zinging at opponents and spectators.

Here are some pictures I took of JerPool in our office. Unfortunately, Jer was at the dentist the day I took these:

Eric demonstrating an on-table shot.

The "backwards" rack of a JerPool break.

A great JerPool shot moves a lot of balls.

These are dents in the wall from misfired shots.

The balls suffer too. Notice the chip in the cue ball. We've even chipped the brick.

Stu demonstrating a normal JerPool Shot.

New Year’s Resolutions in May

2006-05-26T13:53:00.001-07:00

I’ve decided that from now on I’m making my resolutions in May, May 26^th to be exact. It’s my birthday and I’ve decided that it carries more significance to me. I mean what is January 1^st to me? Just some day a pope decreed to be the first of the year. Well I refuse to let my goals be influenced by papal decree anymore! Off with the chains of papal oppression that yoke me! From hence forth, my goal making will fall on the most important day of MY life—the day I came into the world.

Plus, making goals in January has been clinically proven to be ineffective. The evidence is overwhelming, and I have the results to prove it—just look at the success rate of all my past goals. I feel I’ve thoroughly tested that method and now it’s time to put something else to the test.

I won’t share all of my May new year’s goals here, but I will list one: write more in my blog. Now, motivational speakers, spiritual councilors, and business professors all agree, goals must be specific. I guess I can see where they’re coming from. Based on my recent track record, for me to write “more” in my blog would only require me to post something every six months. Therefore, my goal is to write in my blog at least three times a month.

Yeah, it’s a pretty pansy goal since three times a month is almost nothing, but you should see some of my other goals. I’m gonna be too busy with those to have time to write in my blog all the time.

Happy new year’s to you and good luck with your goals. Also, please comment with any methods you’ve proven successful in your own personal goal setting.

Anti-Idiocy Campaign

2006-05-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

From the title of this post, you might think it’s a rant about people who have offended me or who I think are stupid. Unfortunately, the post is really about me. This post is my vow to change...

Yesterday, I came to the stark realization that I'm an idiot. Well, maybe not all the time, but I do some stuff that's really pretty stupid. This is upsetting because I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent person. I even feel like I have a pretty decent amount of "common sense." For some reason I just choose to ignore it on occasion.

I'm not sure why this happens. Maybe it's a cry for attention or maybe it's because I like to make people laugh, or maybe it's because I read too much Guiness Book of World Records as a kid. Whatever the case, I end up being like that "one guy" everyone seems to know who will get really drunk and then accept all kinds of ridiculous challenges and make an ass of himself. Only I don't drink, so I have even less of an excuse than that guy.

Some examples of idiotic things I've done recently?

I ate fifteen cups of cold cereal with eight and a half cups (that's over half a gallon) of milk in under an hour. Why? It was a contest. What was the prize? Pride. Braggin’ rights. Being REALLY sick (read "having diarrhea") for the next three days.
I sprained my right ankle playing basketball (not idiotic), but then I sprained my left ankle two weeks later because I was playing way before my right ankle was better so I was favoring my left ankle a lot. Not only did I sprain my ankle, I completely bricked the lay-up I was driving to make. (very idiotic).
I ingested two double bacon cheeseburgers (each with a full pound of beef), a large plate of fries, a quarter pound of licorice, a blackberry shake, a slice of apple pie w/ ice cream, a bottle of Henry Weinhard's root beer, and about three glasses of water in around an hour. Why? Some guys I was with challenged me to. What did I get? A handshake from the incredulous owner of Ray's Tavern.
I gave myself three blisters trying to prove that I was good at rappelling despite the fact that I'd never done it before.

Trust me; the list could go on and on. These are just things I've done in the last month. If you know me, you can probably think of plenty of other examples. In fact, you're probably wondering why it took me so long to come to this realization. I have no answer for you.

I will still try and make people laugh, and I'll probably still be an attention whore, but from now on, I'm going to first ask myself the question: Is this a stupid thing to do?

Theories

2005-09-30T14:36:00.000-07:00

There are some great outdoor basketball courts near our office building, so in the spring and fall, when temperatures permit, we play basketball during our lunch break at work.

One of the software engineers who plays nearly everyday frustrates me to no end—or at least he does when he’s not on my team; otherwise he’s a great guy. You see he’s shorter than I am, balder than I am, has a bigger “stummy” than I do, and yet somehow he manages to be quicker than I am, and jump higher than I do. Consequently he steals the ball from me on a regular basis, blocks my shots when I try to shoot over him, and gets rebound that he shouldn't.

And did I mention he’s a software engineer? Where does he get off breaking out of his stereotype and being good at basketball!? I mean it was okay when he beat me at Halo despite the fact that it was my game/xbox/projector we were playing with. He’s a software engineer! They’re supposed to be good at video games and computer stuff…but basketball? Isn’t that a little unfair? You can’t be good at everything.

I could never understand how he managed this until recently he revealed his secret to me. It’s a technique he’s been perfecting for some time now. It’s based on what he refers to as his “Theory of Fluid Dynamics.” Now I’m not sure I completely understand all the technicalities and subtle nuances of this theory, but the basic gist is that you use the “fluid nature” of your own body to your advantage.

For example, when you’re about to jump, you give a quick downward squat to send your “stummy” (this is Ben’s technical term) downward. Then, as your “stummy” reaches it’s lowest point and begins to rebound upward, you straighten your legs and jump with all you’ve got. The upward momentum of all your “stummy” mass carries you higher than you would normally be able to jump. See diagram below for clarification:

Evidently, this smashes a theory of my own. I called my theory the “Ice Princess Movie is Complete Bollux Theory”. My wife made me watch this movie (and then go ice skating which was more fun). The premise of the movie is that a science-geek girl becomes a champion ice skater by studying the physics of ice skater movements. I thought this was ridiculous, but evidently a strong understanding of scientific principles coupled with a little practice can lead to phenomenal results. I stand corrected (and sometimes blocked :( ).

Maybe in another post I’ll explain Ben’s other, less-scientific, basketball theory. I’m not sure if he’s named it yet, but I call it the “Theory of Fouling Really Hard When Your Opponent is About to Score Over You and There’s Nothing Else You Can Do About It.” It’s a pretty long name, so Ben probably calls it something better.

Hey Crackhead!

2005-09-27T21:01:00.000-07:00

I ran across this post in the rants section of craigslist. I would link directly to it, but there's some swears, and I think my baby sister reads this blogs so I've edited it for content down to a PG-13 rating. It made me laugh really hard. Enjoy:

HEY CRACKHEAD!

Yes, you. You sick freak. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how f-ed up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the freakin’ saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering stuff, and it is conceivable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and stuff, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Matt

*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***

Good thing my scooter's spark plugs are hard to get to. With all the crackheads milling about in north Orem, I'd probably be walking home as many days as not if they could get to Hidalgo's plugs.

A Close Call

2005-09-27T20:28:00.000-07:00

It's starting to get a bit chilly riding Hidalgo (my scooter) to work in the mornings, so this morning I decided to wear my thermals that are usually reserved for snow boarding. Boy did that make for a nice ride! Cold air meant less bugs to the face but the thermals still kept me nice and cozy.

By 10:00 AM I’d had my cup of Mormon coffee (hot chocolate) and put in about an hour and a half of hard labor, or in other words I’d checked my email and replied to a couple of them.

All the hard work and warm chocolate in my belly was making me uncomfortably warm, so I headed into the bathroom to take off the thermal underwear.

It went pretty well to start out with… I followed all the right steps: 1) Take off shoes. 2) Take off pants. 3) Take off thermals…

But somewhere in the re-dressing process I messed up and skipped a step without realizing it. I had both my Doc Martens on my feet and all the way laced up before I realized that I hadn’t put my pants back on.

I musta looked pretty funny standing there in my underwear and Doc Marten boots, but it wouldn’t have been so funny if I’d walked out of the bathroom like that.

Maybe from now on I’ll skip the thermals and just let the cold air flow through my clothes. Maybe that way I’ll actually be AWAKE by the time I get to work.

Scooter Glamour

2005-09-20T18:10:00.000-07:00

A few days before Labor Day, gas prices broke the three dollar barrier and made up my mind! I simply couldn’t pay over $300 dollars a month on gas so I went out and bought a gas-powered scooter with a 125cc engine. With a tailwind and a downhill stretch, it can hit 65 mph, but more importantly it gets almost 90 miles per gallon.

Now I know that when you hear the word scooter you probably think one thing: Glamour. Yes, the word scooter itself is usually enough to conjure images of movie stars, supermodels, and the otherwise rich and attractive cruising costal, palm-lined highways in the sun. I mean, that’s what I always thought about when I thought scooters. And for a while, I was living that dream…

But last Tuesday, the magical vision of scooter riding lost some of its glamour for a while, perhaps forever.

I don’t know if it was the temperature or the atmospheric pressure or just some sort of regularly scheduled mating time, but for some reason, the cities of Eagle Mountain (where I live) and Lehi (which I pass through on my commute) were suddenly and completely full of bugs last Tuesday.

My scooter has no windshield, I had no goggles, I didn’t even have a decent pair of gloves. However, none of my evident unpreparedness seemed to stop the bugs from getting in my way. It was almost as if they tried to swarm even thicker in my path just to experience some sort of suicidal ritual of splatting themselves against my sunglasses, helmet, clothes, and flesh.

The worst part of it is that when you’re on a scooter, you have to maintain a speed of at least the speed limit of the road you’re driving on or you’ll end up like a bug yourself, splatted on the grill of some dump truck who just didn’t see you in the waxing, pre-dawn light. This means that for most of my commute, I’ve got to give my scooter all it’s got and crank it up to 55-60 mph. When a bug hits your face, or hand, or eye at that speed, not only is it gross, it’s also really quite painful.

I had to stop thrice at service stations to clean bug guts off my sunglasses just so I could see to keep driving. What a rude awaking, both literally (as it was quite early and I was still groggy), and figuratively (as my scooter glamour dreams were squashed like a million bugs)!

When I reached the border of American Fork (another city I pass through on my way to work), the swarms of bugs magically disappeared. It wasn’t like they thinned out; it was more like the bugs somehow knew the actual city limits and just stayed out of American Fork. Perhaps there are some sort of anti-swarm laws in American Fork that I’m unaware of, but whatever the case it was weird to go from so many bugs to absolutely no bugs just by crossing a city border.

Nevertheless, I was glad to be free of the bugs and prepared to enjoy the rest of my commute. So what if people looked at me funny for having all kinds of orange bug guts covering my helmet and body. I was getting 90 miles per gallon. Those suckers, while safe in their SUV’s, were probably getting 20 if they were lucky. I chuckled a little mocking chuckle (though not with an open mouth as I didn’t want any bug guts to slide from my lips into my mouth).

My malicious joy, however, was short lived. As I passed from safe American Fork into Pleasant grove I also passed into what seemed to be a sandstorm reminiscent of the movie Dune or the recent flop Hidalgo. “Strange,” I thought, “how can I be driving through a sandstorm when there are no sand dunes for miles?”

At speeds of 55-60 mph, sand is also very painful, and to the ungoggled eye, very dangerous. Through careful and squinty observation, I soon surmised that the sandstorm was not all-enveloping, but seemed to be emanating from a source directly in front of me.

As soon as the opportunity presented itself, I quickly changed lanes, pushed the scooter beyond its natural limits by crying “Run Hidalgo!” (which I decided to name my scooter in that moment), and managed to outpace the sandstorm in the left lane.

A mix of rage, sand, and tears filled my vision as I discovered that the source of the sandstorm was some idiot towing a flat, uncovered trailer of sand behind his truck.

“C’mon buddy that’s illegal!” I yelled forgetting what was on my lips and inadvertently ingesting some sand-coated bug guts.

I decided to really let him have it. I laid on the horn button to tell him what I thought of him. “Meep, meep.” said Hidalgo sounding much like Warner Brother’s Roadrunner.

Amazingly, the idiot-hick in the truck heard my feeble horn and turned to look at me. I can only imagine what I must have looked like: a bug-covered, sand-coated mess on a tiny scooter shaking my fist at a lifted Ford F-5million. Sadly, I have to admit that I probably would have laughed as hard as he did.

It was at that exact moment, watching idiot-hick with an IQ of 7 laugh at me, that the last flicker of the scooter-riding glamour flame went out.

But by then it was too late. I couldn’t go back to driving my gas-guzzling SUV to work everyday after dropping $2800 on a scooter without even consulting the wife. So I got to work, cleaned the bugs out of my ears and off my clothes and resigned myself to a long friendship with my faithful Hidalgo.